The Best Boyfriend Revenge is, Make Him an Ex

Saturday, July 25, 2009 12:00
Posted in category Ask Rickhead
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Post written by Rick Doyle

The Best Boyfriend Revenge is, Make Him an Ex

Dear Ask Rickhead:

My boyfriend and I of 2 years recently broke up or actually we are on a “break” because we are both going to college now and want to see what else is out there. Nothing was wrong in our relationship, we were perfectly in love with each other. We decided that it would be best to stay really close friends though college, and if things don’t work out with other people we’ll get back together. Unfortunately the whole friends thing never really worked because almost every time we hang out he can’t keep his hands off me, he’s even asked if we could be friends with benefits! We go to colleges very close to one another and he will call me and tell me how he’s doing and he’ll also talk about all the beautiful girls at his school and which ones he’s interested in. I try with all my might to show that it doesn’t bother me but of course, my voice gets a little dry and it’s obvious I’m annoyed. Then he’ll argue with me “Why does the mood of the argument have to change whenever I talk about other girls?” So I told him “Look, if I called you up talking about all the fine men at my school you would be jealous too.” And of course he says “No, that’s the one thing I know I’ll be in control of.  No guy is as good as I was and will never make you feel how I made you feel.” That remark made me furious. I think it’s completely unfair to break up with someone because you feel that they might not be the best person for you and then turn around and say they will never find anybody like you!  It’s straight up arrogance!! Now I’m determined to turn the tables on him so he can feel how I feel. I want him to get jealous and I want him to admit it. The question is, how? How do I make my guy realize he’s a hypocrite?

 

                                           -Boyfriend Revenge

Dear Boyfriend Revenge,

Thanks for the question.  Let’s see if I can help.  First of all, please correct me if I’m wrong.  It sounds like your (ex) boyfriend is or has been with other girls.  It also sounds like you have not been with other guys. I get the impression that distance did not make the heart grow fonder, just farther apart. I also get the feeling that the (ex) boyfriend wants his cake and eat it too, with some ice cream on the side, served on a silver platter while you are supposed to be the waitress, chef and pick up the tab as well.  Right? You’re pissed off and you should be! If I have all the facts straight you may not like what I’m going to say but you did ask for my opinion.  So here goes:

You said, “we were perfectly in love with each other” yet you both chose to take a “break”.  How many couples have you seen come back together from separations versus those ending up in a total breakup or divorce?  Your key word was “were” in the past tense rather than the present as in “we are in love”.  There are 5 keys to a healthy relationship; Trust, Respect, Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. Do you trust him?  It doesn’t sound like you do, or should, since he frequently waves other women in your face. Do you respect him and does he respect you?  By the way he’s talking to you he wants to use you as a “friend with benefits”, a convenient relationship and most importantly jealousy, fear and resentment seem to be at the core of your discussions with him. It sounds as if your definition of intimacy and his are vastly different.  His is physical while yours is emotional and he expects to get one but isn’t willing to deliver the other.  Is there passion? Common interests and engaging in each other’s lives is more than just an occasional hook up and in short if you define love as a sincere concern for another person, their spiritual growth and needs including your own, then the (ex) boyfriend appears to be very much in love with only himself and his needs and feelings. I don’t think we even have to ask the commitment question. (I think your revenge will be a dish best served cold)

I am not being hard on you but there is nothing of this relationship that I can see worth salvaging nor is he worth spending your time trying to make him jealous. I am wondering if he’s your first relationship or maybe your first long term relationship and letting go feels too painful. You might ask yourself, how bad does it have to get before you call it quits?  Answer:  When the pain of staying in the relationship outweighs the pain of breaking up, then you’ll terminate the relationship. If you really want to make him jealous  or want the best revenge simply rediscover the lovable, fun, attractive, happy, available young lady that you are and move on (turn him into an Ex-boyfriend).  Find a guy who will appreciate and invest in the relationship with you equally and will earn your respect because he gives you respect.  Find a guy who you trust because he doesn’t give you a reason not to trust him.  Find a guy who wants to share your feelings and experiences with you and the passion that comes from being together and doing things together, not just a quickie. We all experience grief and closure whether it’s the loss of a family pet, a loved one, a close friend and yes, even friendships or relationships that grow apart because people change.  It sounds as if you have been true to your best efforts to try something different and the two of you have ended up on different paths.  You have followed that path to a cliff.  It is time to leave the path and move on.  You deserve to be happy and I think you will be once you close the door to this relationship.  It would be a good idea to look at why you “picked” this relationship and stayed in it as long as you did.  Looking at what you can do differently to improve your next relationship which will eventually lead you down a new path with a new man in your life. I can tell you that looking over our Date Smart! chapters with some of the exercises as well as a few other articles on this site like When And How Is It Time To Call It Quits In A Relationship may give you some additional support and resolution. Ask some of your friends what they think of the relationship and letting go of it.  You will not be surprised to hear some of them if they are honest with you say, “Dump him!”  He will be jealous when you are happy…with someone else who treats you the way you deserve to be treated and by then it’ll be too late for the EX.

On a final note, happiness is an inside job.  Don’t waste your college time waiting on a frog to become a prince or expecting him to change.  Let go, move on and be open to the possibilities.  You can and will find better and that is your ultimate revenge.  I have never seen revenge in relationships end up in anything less than a one-up-man-ship escalating to more pain and eventually a really bad breakup.  The best way to get ahead is to go on before it escalates.  With the history you described it sounds like you are going to have to close the door, lock it and not look through the peep hole.  Done is done.  When you end it, you can be nice but firmly put the past in the past and eliminate all contact as he doesn’t recognize your boundaries or feelings.  Then when it feels right start dating the guys you would like to get to know better, watch out for the rebound and don’t be so focused on finding “The One”. Just enjoy being out, making friends, and having fun for a while.  He will always wonder about letting a great woman slip through his fingers because he was too busy being a jerk.  I hope this helps and even if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear then it might have been what you needed to hear.

Best wishes, Ask Rickhead

PS Boyfriend Revenge you are not alone. I have heard this story many times and I encourage others to share their story here and how they are progressing with or without the ex or should be ex-boyfriend.

To Ask Rickhead a question, please email: askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com

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