Date Smarter Not Harder, A Sample 15-Minute Find

Thursday, May 21, 2009 12:00
Posted in category Couples
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Post written by Rick Doyle and Dave Coleman (See Relationships page for author information)

Date Smarter Not Harder, A Sample 15-Minute Find

This is a preview of what is coming in Chapter 6 from our book Date Smart! Please be aware this is only a teaser and does not contain all the tools, advice or information that the book contains but will give you some idea of how we developed fast and easy techniques to help you date smarter and not over invest or work harder to make a dead end relationship try to work.  We hope to teach you to identify a bad pick within 15 minutes of a first encounter so you don’t waste weeks, months or years on a lost cause. When we understand how to date smarter instead of dating harder we start recognizing the best characteristics first and learn to weigh them against old behaviors, old attractors and unhealthy red flags or signs that a relationship pick might be a bad one far faster than in the past. We have designed skills and questions and techniques throughout Date Smart! that will teach you to look for the “right stuff” faster and leave the wrong stuff even faster. If you have been reading our posts, doing the exercises and really learning why you do, did what you do when it comes to relationships and how you pick them, this technique which were giving you a light over view of is a taste of where we are taking you with the book.  You will be equipped to find a winner and drop a loser or a red flag in record time, if you are informed and skilled. I thought it would be a thank you to this point to show you a sample of how easy and fast a little good knowledge could help you to take control of what might have been a history of not real good picking and staying to long in unhealthy relationships.  We have found that many people take months even years to getting most of these answers that they could have been gotten in 15 minutes.

The following is an abbreviated version of the 15-Minute Find from our book Date Smart! to provide you with a general idea of how it might be performed.  Your actual use of the process will be more thorough, precise and customized to meet your needs and the situation you find yourself in. Some areas within the 15-Minute Find will be more important to you than others depending on what your priorities are. Although you never want to completely neglect any point on the star, certain areas will simply carry more weight with you and warrant more investigation. For instance, you may place a heavy emphasis upon looks and physical chemistry or be much more interested in their sense of humor, lifestyle or background.  This is different for each and every person, but the beauty is that the 15-Minute Find works in all situations with all types of people. Information given is knowledge and power gained.  

Below, we will provide you with just a few sample questions under each specific point in the order they should come in to give you a basic start on how to do a 15-Minute Find.  If you discover that you are answering questions with clear “no’s” or you notice a major Red Flag (CRC or Code Red Characteristics), you’ve determined this would be a poor pick for you.  Move on.  “Yes” answers in each category are a sign to continue on with the process.

Step One: Physical Chemistry and Compatibility

These questions are answered in your head, not out loud.  You see a person:

Do they have sex appeal?  Do you like the way they look?  Are you attracted to them? If you don’t find them attractive or you find anything physically repulsive, right down to BO, listen to your first gut impression on this.

If the answers are “yes,” this is a good person to possibly approach to initiate conversation with.

Step Two: Communication Skills

These questions are also answered in your head, not out loud.  Conversation has begun:

Are there visible quirks such as nail biting, poor hygiene or nervous ticks or repetitions?  Is their voice appealing?  Can they hold a conversation?  Do they appear interested in you by their answers or questions?

If the answers are “yes,” this person warrants further investigation to see if common interests exist. If you start to see red flags this early, bail.  A series of problems now might be a bevy of problems later.

Step Three: Lifestyle and Interests

These questions are asked directly and will reveal information about common interests and compatible lifestyles. 

What are some of your hobbies, favorite types of music, television shows?  What do you like to do to relax and enjoy yourself?  What do you do for a living?  What does your job entail?  Are you involved in any clubs, organizations or professional groups?

If you find that you have numerous similarities and you both appear interested in each other’s interests, it is time to continue on to the next category.

Step Four: Parental, Educational and Geographic Influences

Some questions can be asked directly, while others should be inferred.

So where is home originally for you?  What was it like where you grew up, country, city, wrong side of the tracks, ritzy neighborhood?  What is your family like?  Where did you go to school?  Have you ever been close to someone who had a long-term illness? Are your family members happy and healthy?

The information you gather will not only disclose possible barriers due to cultural, parental or geographic influences but will also provide you with information to base a person’s degree of wellness.  If Red Flags aren’t discovered in this section and you determine that they have relatively normal relationships with friends, family members and others, then it’s time to proceed to the next step.

Step Five: Relationship and Closure History

Again, in this section, some questions can be asked directly, while others should be inferred.

How long have you been single and available?  How did your last relationship end?  (If this person was previously married…) Who left whom and why?  How long ago?  What did you do to get through that situation?  In the past few years, what type of people have you been dating and how did you meet them? Have you lived with anyone, recently? When did you last relationship end?  How, why, how long, do you still see your ex(s)? 

If you have made it this far with an individual and their answers, demeanor and appearance have not turned you off; it may be time to set up a first date or if this was a first meeting maybe at a common friends party or social event via work, school, church or common interest to pursue a second meeting/date.  Ask and you shall receive – maybe.  The most important thing to remember is that you are now making informed decisions about picking that come from an organized approach and are likely to lead you to a person with much greater potential than you’ve met in the past.  Remember that this is only a sample to get you started and to help you understand what the process may look like.  We have provided numerous questions in the book Date Smart! which we’ll be posting pieces in order each week for you to read and discuss.  We will provide many questions and answers from us and others that can be incorporated into the process, along with any you develop on your own. If you are just finding us, we are putting up the whole book Date Smart! in the Date Smart section of the blog and you can read it in whole over time.  We really want you to find the love you deserve without dating harder, just smarter!

Please come back each week as we will post the next piece of each chapter broken down into posts that you can comment on, ask questions or share your thoughts. We will eventually update and post the whole book Date Smart!
 
*Special thanks for co-writing this article goes to Dave Coleman AKA The Dating Doctor. Dave and I wrote Date Smart! back in Jan. 2000. The publication rights have now reverted over to us equally and, with Dave’s permission, I have edited the book and modernized some of the ideas we originally wrote. The book, Date Smart! is still available through some stores and you can contact Random House to request the book be reprinted. With enough demand they might just contact Dave and I to republish and possibly write another one. We are basically giving you the book to read in posts and encourage you to visit both Dave’s website www.datingdoctor.com and of course all parts of our website www.topicisland.com. Neither the posts nor the book are in any way to be republished or sold or used without our express specific written permission and all posts are copyrighted and protected (ISBN-10: 0761521739,ISBN-13: 978-0761521730). Dave and I have written a number of articles together as well and so this serves as the byline. A huge thank you to Dave for sharing both our efforts and time to write what we hope are insightful, intriguing and informative articles that we share the creative collaboration and credit for working on over a number of years.

You can contact Rick by posting or by emailing:

askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com or read posts at Ask Rickhead

You can write Dave at: http://www.datingdoctor.com/contact.html

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