Good Women and Nice Girls Love to go for Bad Boys and Losers

Thursday, June 11, 2009 12:00
Posted in category Couples
<div class=\"postavatar\">Good Women and Nice Girls Love to go for Bad Boys and Losers</div>

Post written by Rick Doyle

Good Women and Nice Girls Love to go for Bad Boys and Losers

This is a question every nice single guy asks when he sees beautiful women, nice girls either chasing or staying with an abusive, arrogant loser.  The answers are so simple that it defies logic.  Not why they go for these men but rather why they keep searching them out or staying with them and setting themselves up for unending heartache and trauma.   Nice girls and good women go for love with bad boys and losers because of one reason simply put as a question; what do men and women want more than anything else?  What they cannot have!   If it wasn’t for this basic instinct we would not even get up in the morning.

I have asked hundreds of audiences that question over the years and the answers are always the same: power, money, love, sex, control, security, relationship, happiness, the list is infinite but it never hits the mark.  What we can’t have is what we most desire.  The key is the word desire.  That is what drives us to improve, to seek, to want, to motivate.  It is the driving force behind everything we do including dating and mating.  If we had no desire, we simply would wither and die on the vine.  Why get a job, go to work, go to school, date, marry, get a car, why do anything?  Because we want to.  Although what happens for some of us more so with good women and nice girls who end up in bad relationships is that the base feeling gets corrupted and pushed into an extreme or disproportionate set of personality characteristic, personal tastes and traits. These tastes and traits drive a need or a feeling that if they can attain “that” person’s love, the bad boys, the losers, the abusers, then everything will be okay.  Nobody except the masochist wakes up in the morning and says, “Hey, where can I get a good beating today”?  There is also the person who claims that they are in love. There is a difference between being in love versus being in heat. Not to mention that if your being driven to your next loser or one nighter by blind fascination instead of some level of informed decision or ability to evaluate beyond the looks department a world of “I told you so” is probable the refrain you are likely to hear after each failed relationship or fling.

There are several ways that nice girls and good women get to this acquired taste for bad boys, losers and no win situations.  The first is sadly started out from an early age through exposure to an abusive childhood or an early trauma.  Watching or being on the receiving end of verbal, emotional or psychological abuse from a father, brother, step father, even the occasional lover or date of a parent can leave its scars on the inside, even if there aren’t any on the outside.  At the end of the day several truths are evident.  Whatever we are familiar with we seek out and whatever we practice we become good at.  Victims will find that they are attracted to what they didn’t get resolved in the past and abusers find that they attract victims.  We have several other posts that really go into depth on these subjects here (The Nature of Shame and Abuse, Date Smart! Chapter 1.9 and Revolving Door Relationships, Date Smart! Chapter 1.2). The second driver is closer to the desire factor I mentioned above.  Some women need to win, conquer or subdue the savage beast. They feel they must rise to the challenge and be the one to tame the wild stallion.  They think that they are woman enough!  Being “woman enough” has nothing at all to do with taming a bad boy as most are abusers and have no desire to be domesticated.  For some women it’s all about achieving control and the worse off the loser the greater the challenge she sees.  The problem is that it’s much like trying to teach a dog to talk.  Since a dog doesn’t have vocal cords, no matter how much time and effort she puts into training him, he is still incapable of talking.  He is probably a player who enjoys his conquests as much as the woman who thinks she is in control.  All he has to do is tell her no.  Not interested. There are better or other fish in the sea. He baits her by telling her she can’t have what she wants and the trap is set.  She continues the chase believing she’s almost got him but instead gets caught in the trap.  He gets what he wants, she gets used and dumped and he marks another notch on his belt.   Love 0-Pain-1. 

Then there are the nice girls who are very attractive. You know them.  They’re so smoking hot that no one wants to stick a finger in the light socket because they know they’re going to get rejected. They almost never get asked out by nice guys and are usually judged by their looks and assumed to be conceited and arrogant. They are the ones you see hanging with a girlfriend and the average guy feels like he would never have a shot at a girl like her.  They give an impression of being unapproachable.   They seem to end up with one of three types of men; bad boys, geeks or freaks.  Bad boys are usually so cocky, controlling and arrogant they will approach anyone because they are gods in their own eyes and that confidence (even if it is false) oozes from their pores.  They are players with great math skills.  Example: 100 hundred people in the room, 25 are couples, 25 are single males, 25 are single females. 5 of the women are unusually pretty. He quickly surmises that he has a 1 in 5 chance and if he is a bad boy he just doesn’t care, while instinct tells the other guys don’t even ask because you’ll get rejected.  He will approach all 5.  He has a repertoire of worn out come-on lines and he doesn’t care if he’s rejected since he’s after all the only one trying to talk to you.  Something is better than nothing and he knows it.  Did I mention he might even be married (See; Why Attached Men Flirt, With You)?  Add a little cash and flash.  Maybe you don’t fall for this stuff but look around at all the broken hearts, cheated love and divorces after very short marriages and ask yourself how many fall for this?  Too many.  The geeks and freaks while they may be sweet, also have an edge with these types of women.  When you are far too smart and nerdy or so weird that people cross the street to avoid getting too close you have nothing to lose if you go for it.  You already have a reason to set your sights on whoever you want and as might be the occasional unattainable girl that is so lonely or so used to the aggressive bad boys trying to pounce on her that she actually finds it refreshing and likable to say yes to the geek or freak.  Hence you see the occasional mismatch of a very pretty woman with a very geeky, freaky guy and wonder, how did that happen?  Hey it’s a working theory.

I think it is far more interesting when you see the woman who was the prettiest girl in high school voted prom queen or most likely to succeed on husband number 5 or in a trailer with 5 kids and the husband ran off with the sitter or the women who are approaching 40 and have never been married but have an impressive string of losers they can tell you all about. The sad part is that if you look at each of these guys these women went after love with they all were the same.  If you don’t believe me, take one of our relationship exercises (What Shape Are You In? The Exercise, Date Smart! Chapter 2.2) on the legacy of parental picking.  You are apt to find that no matter what the guy looks like or what his career is or whether he is a bad boy or loser extraordinaire, under the microscope they all have the same source, a broken picker.  Those women choose relationships out of unresolved issues even when they pick the opposite of what they picked the last time.  After all 180 degrees opposite of sick is still sick.  See this article (The Desert, Date Smart! Chapter 1.5) for details of what opposite picking really means.  These nice women also tend to operate on a faulty definition of love and don’t really have a working concept of healthy relationship. (See; Defining Healthy, Date Smart! Chapter 1.7).  But the biggest problem that accounts for how good woman end up with bad boys and abusive controlling losers is shame.  Not ashamed, not embarrassed, not guilty.  Shame.  (Next week we will post a comprehensive article on shame here that really breaks it down in detail).  Basically, it’s a feeling of “See?  I’m no good.”  It’s a victim sabotaging themselves either consciously or subconsciously.  It is rationalizing or claiming that in spite of countless failures I want this guy even though it’s probably a bad idea.  My friends, this is the purest definition of insanity!  Insanity is repeating an action the same way over and over but expecting different results every time.  Example:  slam your fingers in a car door 25 times and close the door the exact same way every time and every time you expect not to smash your fingers.  Insane.  The answer to stop this madness is simply to do it a different way.  To accomplish this you need new information and a new way of picking.  Reading Date Smart! would be a great start to better picking and to stop the revolving door relationships that keep proving your way isn’t working.  On a final note we also might recommend reading our Date Smarter Not Harder article (to be posted next week also) to get an overview of how to pick relationships or at least a first date in 15 minutes or less. Bad boys and losers will be attracted to women who are leading with their chin. There are exceptions that just look like a bad boy but aren’t losers. The trick is having the tools to tell them apart fast and effectively.  We hope we can help you do that if you just can’t resist and you think the next one is the love of your life.  We just want to make sure that you get the love you deserve and not the bruise that you don’t deserve.  Read some of these posts and let us know what you think. There are nice guys and good men out there if you know what to look for and have the tools to pass on the bad ones and say yes when healthy love is available. Let us know what you think or after reading some of our other posts if the information we are sharing is making a difference.

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13 Responses to “Good Women and Nice Girls Love to go for Bad Boys and Losers”

  1. Clinton Weatherman says:

    July 12th, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    This post is good.

  2. emahboo says:

    July 10th, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Nice post! GA is also my biggest earning. However, it’s not a much.

  3. Ramon Wise says:

    July 4th, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    The first recorded use of the term “lolcat” is from the anonymous imageboard 4chan circa 2005

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