Topic Island

Post written by Rick Doyle and Dave Coleman (See Relationships page for author information)

Common Excuses Used to Avoid Dating

Date Smart! Chapter 2.3

If you decide to abstain from dating, you’ll come up with excuses to justify it. Below are several of the most common ones we’ve heard from people nationwide. Are any of them familiar?

1. There is no one that I enjoy or find attractive. “There’s no one available who I’d want to go out with.” This may be caused by fear, rationalized by an inability to make the first contact (either to ask or to be asked). You may also have an inability to meet others due to a diminished circle of contacts for meeting others.

2. I am in a transitory stage.  “I have to wait for the right time to date.” You rationalize that you’re moving, changing jobs, between significant others, only 10 years out of your divorce, or somewhere between failed relationship number 7 and 51.

3. The person I want is unavailable.  “The guy (or gal) I’m interested in is already married, or committed to someone else.” “I’m in love with a famous person.” How many people can be married to a famous actor, athlete, or rock star at the same time? It’s difficult to date your potential soul mate if they’re already involved with someone else or will never be available to you.

4. Nobody wants me. “What’s wrong with me?  Why aren’t the people that I’m attracted to attracted to me? I always seem to pick people who are totally wrong for me.  I’m a loser magnet.” You subconsciously send out signals that set you up to attract an unhealthy person or repel a healthy one.

5. I refuse to be hurt again.  I’m angry and in denial, but I’ll never admit it.  All men are jerks. All women are gold-diggers and after commitment. Rather than not lose again, you choose to simply not play! You use the memories of your past relationships as a rationalization for avoidance.

6. I’m broke.  “I am strapped and have little money or resources.” “I think that I have to spend money to have fun.”  “Time spent together must be occupied in some way other than just being together.” You put more time and effort into disassociating yourself from a potentially great time, rather than using your imagination and numerous inexpensive resources within your community to meet someone or make a great date happen. (See appendix for our list of 101 great date ideas).

7. I’m busy and have no time to date.  “Dating someone would decrease the amount of time I can put into my job (or church, fitness program, etc.) and I need to be putting in more time, not less.” “70 hours a week is what it takes to be successful in my field and I want to be the best.” What good is it to amass a fortune of money, knowledge, and faith, or develop the perfect body, if you have no one to share it with? All work and no play makes Jack and Jane obsessed, possessed, and dull. Plus, they’ll never meet one another.

8. I’m new to the area and don’t know anyone.  “I don’t have the desire to get out and meet anyone. It’s too difficult. It’s much easier to avoid the entire process.” You’re not familiar with your new community and trying to learn where to meet people may seem too much for you.

9. I have kids and nobody wants to take on that responsibility.  ”It’s hard to meet someone who would treat my kids properly. Plus, I refuse to allow my kids to get attached to anyone else if they might drop me. It’s unfair to them.” You assume that all potential mates won’t want to date someone with kids and you’re concerned about the affect of your dating on your kids. You should also be concerned about how your children view your isolation, fear, insecurity, and excessive judgment of others. Children practice what’s modeled for them.

10. I have no desire to date.  “It’s simply not worth the effort and I enjoy my life the way it is. Why mess up a good thing?” Your life movement pattern (the daily routine by which you live your life) is comfortable for you, and you use this as an excuse not to disturb it. But don’t forget that you could wake up one morning old, alone, at a loss for passion and bitter.

11. I have not come to terms with my sexuality.  “My sexual predisposition is unclear and thus I am not sure who I should be dating, if anyone.” No wonder it’s unclear. Failure to participate fuels indecision.

12. I don’t know whom to trust.  “Who is safe?” “Where should we go?” How far and how fast should I proceed with the relationship?” “I refuse to be hurt again.” Your fear of being hurt again makes not going out a better option.

13. I have been out of the loop.  “The last real date I had was when Moby Dick was still a guppy.” ” I have no idea how to date in today’s world and I wasn’t great at it before.” “I am afraid of looking ridiculous and being embarrassed. I have no confidence whatsoever.” Trying to date after being totally out of practice is too intimidating.

14. I don’t know how to say “yes” or “no.”  “I don’t know how to ask and I’m afraid to ask.” “I feel awkward and have no idea what to say or do on a date, if I even get one.  I don’t know how to dress.” “I’m concerned their friends won’t like or accept me.” “What if I don’t like them? How do I escape?” “What if they try getting intimate with me physically?” A lack of dating skills to protect yourself can keep you at home.

When you avoid dating for personal or social reasons, you may end up dealing with overwhelming feelings of self-doubt as you ponder what’s okay, what to do next, what’s acceptable, and how to re-enter the dating scene. You may have become so desensitized to being alone that the outside world alienates you because you lack a significant other. The world may seem to have a perfect set of rules, and any un-pleasantry, pain or deviation from perceived norms are not tolerated. These feelings are what we call “The Five Rules of the World.” These will be next week.

Please come back each week as we will post the next piece of each chapter broken down into posts that you can comment on, ask questions or share your thoughts. We will eventually update and post the whole book Date Smart!

*Special thanks for co-writing this article goes to Dave Coleman AKA The Dating Doctor. Dave and I wrote Date Smart! back in Jan. 2000. The publication rights have now reverted over to us equally and, with Dave’s permission, I have edited the book and modernized some of the ideas we originally wrote. The book, Date Smart! is still available through some stores and you can contact Random House to request the book be reprinted. With enough demand they might just contact Dave and I to republish and possibly write another one. We are basically giving you the book to read in posts and encourage you to visit both Dave’s website www.datingdoctor.com and of course all parts of our website www.topicisland.com. Neither the posts nor the book are in any way to be republished or sold or used without our express specific written permission and all posts are copyrighted and protected (ISBN-10: 0761521739, ISBN-13: 978-0761521730). Dave and I have written a number of articles together as well and so this serves as the byline. A huge thank you to Dave for sharing both our efforts and time to write what we hope are insightful, intriguing and informative articles that we share the creative collaboration and credit for working on over a number of years. 

You can contact Rick by posting or by emailing:

askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com or read posts at Ask Rickhead

You can write Dave at: http://www.datingdoctor.com/contact.html