Identifying A Broken Picker, Date Smart! Chapter 1.6

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 1:00
Posted in category Date Smart
<div class=\"postavatar\">Identifying A Broken Picker, Date Smart! Chapter 1.6</div>

Post written by Rick Doyle and Dave Coleman (See Relationships page for author information)

Identifying A Broken Picker

Date Smart! Chapter 1.6  

All of these revolving-door relationships have one overwhelming common denominator – people in them make poor, unrealistic choices when it comes to picking a relationship. Poor picking is a pattern that’s hard to break. It can only change when three things happen: you acknowledge your previous denial and face what’s happening, your willingness to change evolves, and new data becomes available about why you pick poorly and how you can change your old ways. When you accept responsibility for change and learn new methods of picking a partner, i.e., fix your Broken Picker, it will get better and you’ll find the lasting love you deserve.

When you have a Broken Picker you continually repeat actions, such as attracting dead-end relationships. You don’t recognize or identify that you’re getting into one in precisely the same manner as in your previous one, with a similar type of person. The situation may look different with each, but the same underlying causes and conditions that fueled your previous picks exist. You’re still hopeful that “This time will be different.” We regularly hear people say, “I’m going to choose someone completely different this time” or “I refuse to date someone who’s like anyone I’ve ever dated before.” The reality is that subconscious habit and emotional conditioning to respond to what’s familiar is what drives us. Therefore, no matter how vehemently we believe that each of our choices have been unique, we eventually realize that they’ve been surprisingly consistent. (In future posts we will provide a great self help test that will help you identify why and who you pick)

What’s the difference between an abusive alcoholic plumber, an abusive workaholic doctor or a gambling-addicted businessman?  While the three appear to be different based upon their financial, emotional and social characteristics, they all have addictive or obsessive-compulsive behavior that can lead to failed relationships. Interestingly enough, one person whose picker was dependent on old, flawed data managed to marry all three and still complain, “How could this have happened to me. I chose differently each time and still ended up with the same results.”  They simply could not identify the common characteristics because their flawed data was what was casuing their unhealthy attraction in the first place.

From birth we’re conditioned to seek what’s familiar. Whether it’s good or bad, we become good at whatever we practice. Whether we had unhealthy influences in our immediate world (watching our parents get divorced), by second hand exposure (observing our friend’s or neighbor’s parents deal poorly with their problems), or via the cultural decimation of relationships through media coverage of failed relationships (O.J. Simpson, Pricilla Presley and Michael Jackson, Madonna, Princess Diana, Dennis Rodman, Donald Trump, Brittany Speers etc.), we’ve been indoctrinated with the belief that failing in relationships is common, acceptable, and normal.  

We’ve also been conditioned to believe that relationships are disposable or replaceable. It’s better to settle for involvement in a poor relationship than to have none at all. We convince ourselves that misery beats loneliness. We settle for the short term relief that instant gratification provides – the one-night stand; the rebound; the no-strings-attached sex-only relationship; the liaison with an acquaintance to conveniently “accommodate” each other physically in an effort to alleviate loneliness. Using these tactics is like putting a Band-Aid on an amputation. It’s well known that the light that burns the brightest also burns the shortest. More often than not, a relationship that starts in bed ends in bed. Quick fixes often leave us with lower self-esteem and greater feelings of desperation. Long term commitments that we say we look for, talk about having, and feign interest in, continuously elude us. Society in general hasn’t set a good example.

As a society, our relationships are not in need of rehabilitation. What’s never been whole in the first place can’t be repaired. You must build a healthy foundation from scratch, clearing away ideas you’ve always practiced that were never right in the first place. If your knowledge had been sound from the beginning, you wouldn’t be reading these posts with such hope and interest. Fortunately, what you need we hope to share in future posts.  Learning to look at how and why you pick your relationships will help you to identify red flags helping to change the pattern you might have of picking poor relationships before you rely on the old flawed data, again.

Please come back each week as we will post the next piece of each chapter broken down into posts that you can comment on, ask questions or share your thoughts. We will eventually update and post the whole book Date Smart! 


  

*Special thanks for co-writing this article goes to Dave Coleman AKA The Dating Doctor. Dave and I wrote Date Smart! back in Jan. 2000. The publication rights have now reverted over to us equally and, with Dave’s permission, I have edited the book and modernized some of the ideas we originally wrote. The book, Date Smart! is still available through some stores and you can contact Random House to request the book be reprinted. With enough demand they might just contact Dave and I to republish and possibly write another one. We are basically giving you the book to read in posts and encourage you to visit both Dave’s website www.datingdoctor.com and of course all parts of our website www.topicisland.com. Neither the posts nor the book are in any way to be republished or sold or used without our express specific written permission and all posts are copyrighted and protected (ISBN-10: 0761521739,ISBN-13: 978-0761521730). Dave and I have written a number of articles together as well and so this serves as the byline. A huge thank you to Dave for sharing both our efforts and time to write what we hope are insightful, intriguing and informative articles that we share the creative collaboration and credit for working on over a number of years.

 

You can contact Rick by posting or by emailing:

askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com or read posts at Ask Rickhead

You can write Dave at: http://www.datingdoctor.com/contact.html

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