Lets Fix What is Broken, Date Smart! Chapter 3.1

Friday, June 5, 2009 12:00
Posted in category Date Smart
<div class=\"postavatar\">Lets Fix What is Broken, Date Smart! Chapter 3.1</div>

Post written by Rick Doyle and Dave Coleman (See Relationships page for author information)

Lets Fix What is Broken

Date Smart! Chapter 3.1

 

Precision Tools to Identify a Terminal Date (or Lost Cause)

All 225 passengers aboard were settled comfortably for their two-hour flight. After a smooth take-off, the aircraft ascended to its cruising altitude. Thirty minutes later, the pilot spoke over the intercom with a discernible lack of confidence in his voice. He announced that “we are making great time, but we’re lost and the navigational and communication systems don’t appear to be working either.” As they prepared for emergency procedures, the pilot wondered how he’d find an airport to land safely in.

Just like an on-board computer guides an aircraft, our mental programming (our picker) guides our relationship picking decisions. Defective equipment that doesn’t allow for complete functioning will result in less than positive consequences.  If your picker fails to work properly then it can lead to overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, fear, frustration, shattered trust and in the worst of cases – death. To fix what is broken we have to identify each part or system that is broken and either fix it or in some cases completely replace the parts that are broken.  It will take precision tools to identify each part of the broken picker that is not working and once the entire system is fixed instead of a terminal date or lost cause you will be ready to fly and land safe and sound.

(A word of caution: If you have completed ALL the exercises to this point in the book you are quickly discovering that the tools we provide are very accurate, somewhat intense and can easily get to the core of an issue.  However, the exercises starting in the next chapter (Chapter 3.2) are the toughest in Date Smart! and it can overwhelm a person with some very real feelings and insights that may be a little tough to swallow.  Stick with it!  Use a friend, therapist or support group to get through the learning process and in later chapters it will all be worth it.  It is common among those who read our book that those who are really sick and tired of one failed relationship after the next and tired of one more loser are the ones who stick with the book, finish all the exercises and make huge successful relationship changes.  It is not uncommon for some people to get to Chapter Three and give up because it hurts too much to look that hard at yourself.  Trust us when we say we understand.  If you’re connecting that hard and feel you want to quit, it’s okay. Take what you can use, leave the rest behind or get some outside help and go through the exercises with someone else if you really want to push through the pain.

OPERATING WITH A BROKEN PICKER

The three major problems on the flight mentioned above appear to be damaged equipment, deficient programming, and an inability to communicate with an airport to maintain a true heading or land the plane for repairs. No pilot would attempt to repair an aircraft while in flight. The most reasonable course of action would be to land as quickly and safely as possible at the nearest airport. Like the aircraft and crew lost in flight, many of us are operating under similar conditions; desperate, deficient and misdirected when it comes to picking or maintaining healthy relationships.

 

The condition of the plane correlates directly with the condition of dysfunctional relationships. We pick people who aren’t healthy and later have one or more of the complaints below. Do any of these sound familiar?

“Every time I date, I seem to pick a loser.”   

“They always start off so nice.”

“I’m so good to them, why do I keep getting treated like dirt?”

“They would never date a guy like me.” 

“He thinks he’s something. He’s just stuck on himself.”  

“I just wish that I could meet one nice guy/girl.”

“Why are all men such jerks?” 

“Why do women always want to argue?” 

“When am I going to get a break and meet my soul mate or the one?” 

“She was great when we first met, but then she changed so dramatically” 

“When he’s around his friends, he becomes a totally different person.” 

“Why does he/she always have to be right?” 

“They’re right, nice guys do finish last.”

“She says she wants to be with a nice guy, but all she dates is men who treat her poorly.” 

“This time I am going to date someone totally different.”

“He said it was over with his ex.”   

“The women I meet all have such attitudes.”  

“No matter how much I love ’em, I can’t get ’em to commit.” 

“All he wants to do is get me into bed.” 

“I’m just an ornament for his arm.” 

“She only wants me for my money.” 

“He could care less about me.  All he cares about are his stupid sports.” 

“I feel fine. I don’t know why she always wants to talk about feelings.”

 

Getting the picture?  A continuous stream of unsuccessful, dead-end relationships lead to one painful episode after another. Add to these the occasional one night stand complete with the usual unpleasantness involved. At the end of these relationships we feel used, abused, and confused. Desperate daters and hopeless romantics will understand. Your problem won’t correct itself without new data, new equipment, and help from a qualified source.

 

Throughout our lives we’re exposed to countless numbers of unhealthy relationships. We may observe it in our parents, neighbors or relatives, by watching television and movies or by reading magazines and newspapers. Watching people function in unhealthy relationships as part of our every day experience can program us to accept it as normal. But it not only contributes to your own Broken Picker it also causes you to develop permanent personality characteristics that drive you to practice self-defeating behavior. You either sabotage a healthy relationship or continue to maintain an abusive one because you’ve been programmed to believe you should.    

 

No one wakes up in the morning and says, “Gee, I’d like to be treated like a dog today.” Nobody leaves work, walks into a party and says, “Ah, let me find the biggest jerk in the room as my potential mate.” No one goes home and says, “I’m so happy. I’m only going to get a black eye tonight.” This behavior is learned unconsciously. Despite your best efforts to change your approach to a different way than before, inevitably your mind is trained to continue to practice what’s familiar – it’s the only programming it has ever known.

Next week in Date Smart Chapter 3.2 we start with the Relationship Addiction Check List Exercise which will help you determine is it Love or Addiction.  Fasten your seat belts because some of you are going to feel a little turbulence soon.

Please come back each week as we will post the next piece of each chapter broken down into posts that you can comment on, ask questions or share your thoughts. We will eventually update and post the whole book Date Smart!

*Special thanks for co-writing this article goes to Dave Coleman aka The Dating Doctor. Dave and I wrote Date Smart! back in Jan. 2000. The publication rights have now reverted over to us equally and, with Dave’s permission, I have edited the book and modernized some of the ideas we originally wrote. The book, Date Smart! is still available through some stores and you can contact Random House to request the book be reprinted. With enough demand they might just contact Dave and I to republish and possibly write another one. We are basically giving you the book to read in posts and encourage you to visit both Dave’s website www.datingdoctor.com and of course all parts of our website www.topicisland.com. Neither the posts nor the book are in any way to be republished or sold or used without our express specific written permission and all posts are copyrighted and protected (ISBN-10: 0761521739, ISBN-13: 978-0761521730). Dave and I have written a number of articles together as well and so this serves as the byline. A huge thank you to Dave for sharing both our efforts and time to write what we hope are insightful, intriguing and informative articles that we share the creative collaboration and credit for working on over a number of years.

You can contact Rick by posting or by emailing:

askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com or read posts at Ask Rickhead

You can write Dave at: http://www.datingdoctor.com/contact.html

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3 Responses to “Lets Fix What is Broken, Date Smart! Chapter 3.1”

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