The Relationship Readiness Questionnaire, Date Smart! Chapter 2.5

Saturday, May 30, 2009 12:00
Posted in category Date Smart
<div class=\"postavatar\">The Relationship Readiness Questionnaire, Date Smart! Chapter 2.5</div>

Post written by Rick Doyle and Dave Coleman (See Relationships page for author information)

The Relationship Readiness Questionnaire

Date Smart! Chapter 2.5

 

The Relationship Readiness Questionnaire

The purpose of this questionnaire is to determine to what extent you are experiencing and practicing a loving, meaningful involvement with others. The questions are multiple choice. Please choose the answer that most typically applies to you. Answer using only the letters provided below. Base your answers on your entire relationship history, since you began dating. This will provide a more accurate overview of your current condition. Answer EVERY blank using the letters below. Some questions have multiple blanks. ALL should be filled in. REMEMBER: There are no right or wrong answers. Honesty is essential. When you’ve read each question thoroughly, write your answer next to it. Relax, think, and be honest!

                                      A.  Most of the time

                                      B.  Sometimes

                                      C.  Rarely

                                      D.  Never

1.  Do you consider yourself to be a valuable person WITHOUT a partner? _____

2.  Do you feel greatly improved by an intimate relationship? ____

3.  Do you value a relationship for its ability to make you feel more attractive or accomplished? _____

4.  To what extent do you maintain serious outside interests which are separate from your primary relationship? _____

5.  To what extent do you experience feelings of jealousy and/or resentment of a partner’s outside interests which DO NOT INCLUDE YOU? _____

6.  Are you friends with your lover/significant other? _____

7.  Have you ever felt compelled to change your partner to satisfy personal needs? _____

8.  Do you experience feelings of worry or anxiety when your partner tells you that they just met an interesting person? _____

9.  Do you enjoy feeling engulfed by your partner? _____

10.  During a relationship, have you ever maintained secretive involvement with another as an insurance policy against the primary partner leaving? _____

11.  Do you believe that jealousy is a necessary part of loving someone? _____

12.  Do you believe that the basis of a relationship should be to become as close as possible to the other person? _____

13.  Do you trust your partner when it comes to loyalty/fidelity? _____

14.  Do you find yourself getting involved in a relationship in order to fill a void or to escape loneliness? _____

15.  To what extent do you feel “less a person” without a partner? _____

16.  Do you believe that it’s possible to love others while in a serious relationship? _____

17.  Do you rate the success of a relationship on the intensity of its passion? _____

18.  Do you feel that in order for a relationship to begin, you must first fall in love? _____

19.  Do you feel less open and free while in an intimate relationship? _____

20.  Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship yet afraid to change or leave? _____

21.  How important is getting reassurance that you’re loved in a relationship? ____

22.  Do you want your partner to be happy more than you want them to be with you? _____

23.  Have you ever felt desperate to get involved with someone? _____

24.  Have you felt that you loved your partner more than you loved anyone else, including yourself? _____

25.  Do you feel afraid to reveal your vulnerable spots to your lover to the extent that you make conscious attempts to hide them? _____

26.  Have you entertained thoughts of revenge against a partner that has left you? _____

27.  Does a partner’s need for privacy cause you to feel threatened? _____

28.  How often have your serious relationships ended in anger or violence? _____

29.  How often have you resorted to drastic or hysterical measures in order to keep a partner from leaving you? _____

30.  How often have your relationships involved chaos, violence, and/or emotional pain? _____

31.  When you find out a partner’s weakness or vulnerable points, how often do you feel:  

     A). Saddened? _____  

     B). Irritated? _____ 

     C). A sense of power? _____

32.  To what extent do you believe that you can’t trust the people you date? _____

33.  When having sex, how often do you initiate advances? _____

34.  During lovemaking, how often do you feel that it’s more important to satisfy your partner than yourself? _____

35.  When you learn of a new and different aspect of your partner’s personality, how often do you feel (Please rate each answer):

     A).  Pleasantly surprised? _____  

     B).  Pleased, if it affects you positively? _____ 

     C).  Worried about the effect on the relationship? _____

     D).  Appreciative of their growth? _____

36.  As a relationship progresses, to what extent do you find that your partner is very different than you had originally perceived? _____

37.  To what extent do you feel that you should be your partner’s best friend? _____

38.  When a relationship has ended, how often do you allow yourself time to get over it and/or spend time with yourself before looking for a new one? _____

39.  When a relationship has ended, to what extent are you fearful of becoming involved again? _____

40.  When you feel that a relationship is threatened, how often do you believe that you can save it by trying harder? _____

41.  How often has open/honest communication been a part of your relationships? _____

42.  How often, would you say that you’ve been involved with kind and stable people, whether male or female friends: 

     Men: _____ Women: _____ (answer both)

43.  To what extent is it important to you to know that your partner “Can’t live without you?” _____

44.  To what extent is being loved a primary goal in your life? _____

45.  How often do you feel that your emotional needs were met by your parents/significant others? _____

46  To what extent do you feel that your emotional needs have been met in your current (or most recent/last) relationship? _____

47.  How often do you feel that emotionally you do MOST of the giving in any relationship, especially your most serious ones? _____

48.  How often do you spend thinking and/or worrying about a relationship, either one you’re currently in or one you hope to find? _____

49.  To what degree is it important that a partner meet your expectations? _____

50.  When separated from a partner for any significant period of time (i.e. business trip, extended travel, family crisis, etc.) how often do you experience anxiety, depression, worry, a diminished sense of self or extreme loneliness? ____

How to score your answers: Answer values are provided below for each letter choice. Choose the point value for each answer you gave to each question. Please note that the point value for each letter may differ in each question. For example, in Question # 1, A is equal to zero, whereas in question #2, A is equal to two.  For questions that asked for multiple responses, add the entire score. For example, a question may have asked for three answers. Your score values were 2, 2 and 1. Your total score for that question would be five (2+2+1 = 5). Add the point values for all 50 questions together to come up with your total score. Below is an explanation of the different scores.

Relationship Readiness Questionnaire

Scoring Chart

Question #        Choices & Values             Question # Choices & Values

1.  _____ A=0  B=1  C or D=2            26. _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0

2.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            27. _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0

3.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            28. _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0

4.  _____ A=0  B=1  C or D=2            29. _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0

5.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            30. _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0

6.  _____ A=1  B=0  C or D=1            31. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

7.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            32. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

8.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            33. _____ A=1  B=0  C or D=2

9.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0            34. _____ A=2  B=0  C or D=1

10.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           35. _____ See Below

11.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           36. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

12.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           37. _____ A=2  B=0  C OR D=1

13.  _____ A=0  B=1  C or D=2           38. _____ A=0  B=1  C OR D=2

14.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=2           39. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

15.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           40. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

16.  _____ A=0  B=1  C or D=2           41. _____ A=0  B=1  C OR D=2

17.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           42. _____ A=0  B=1  C OR D=2

18.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           43. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

19.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           44. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

20.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           45. _____ A=0  B=1  C OR D=2

21.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           46. _____ A=0  B=1  C OR D=2

22.  _____ A=0  B=1  C or D=2           47. _____ A=2  B=0  C OR D=1

23.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           48. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

24.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           49. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

25.  _____ A=2  B=1  C or D=0           50. _____ A=2  B=1  C OR D=0

Question 35

(Place point total for question 35 on the line provided above.)

A). ____A or B = 0  C or D = 1

B). ____ A = 2  B or C = 1  D = 0

C).  ____A = 2  B = 1  C or D = 0

D).  ____A = 0  B = 1  C or D = 2

                           Grand total for all 50 questions:  _______

The closer your total score is to “0,” the better your understanding is of loving relationships and yourself. A total score of 45 or higher, may indicate a deficient concept of love (self and others), a lack of personal/interpersonal growth or even compulsive/ unhealthy behavior when relating to others. Please note that any question you answered with a two (2), represents an area in need of attention and change.

Relationship Readiness Questionnaire

Scoring Analysis

If total score is:

0 to 25 _____ Chances are that you grew up with a healthy concept of a nurturing relationship. One or both parents (significant others) demonstrated confidence in their own value and self-esteem, and taught by example a fairly solid sexual identity. Chances are, there were few dependency issues. If this was your score, congratulations! You’ve learned the core of loving: it is healthy, giving, self-originated, and doesn’t carry dysfunction as its center. People who score within this range will be unlikely to engage in revolving door relationships.

26 to 50 _____ There’s a chance that you had perhaps one significant other who has a healthy self-concept. It’s more likely that you grew up with a mixture of both negative and positive role models and some family dysfunction. You probably (and fortunately) identified with the healthier role model in order to have the concept of loving which your score indicates. However, you need to work on issues of self-esteem and being honest with yourself. Your score indicates that while you may UNDERSTAND what a healthy self and other loving relationships are, you don’t practice these principles in some areas. In some of your relationships, you may find that you’re seen as somewhat selfish or distant, two areas you’ll want to be aware of. Keep growing and retake the test in a year.

51 to 75 _____ There are several issues you can work to change. Your score shows a fairly heavy degree of relationship addiction/affliction as well as codependency.  This means that part of a person’s character has become negatively influenced by exposure to someone else’s unhealthy behavior. The dependent person responds to this behavior as if it were normal, doing it themselves. The majority of your relationships have probably been addictive or dysfunctional, rather than truly loving because your role models growing up were most likely addicted and/or compulsive. One parent may have been chemically dependent, which indicates the origin of your codependency. You may have also have had your own compulsions in adulthood. Being in a relationship is probably one of them. 

If self-esteem is low, you don’t have a true understanding of healthy interpersonal relationships. It’s probable that you’re willing to change and grow, which is imperative for letting go of the harmful and unhealthy behavior which caused you a good deal of unhappiness. It’s also quite probable that you were abused either as a child or an adult. Your score indicates that you may have been abused chronically or been a victim of an extreme isolated experience. Once you begin to learn how to love yourself, you’ll be able to cope with and change your compulsive need for fulfillment by attracting unhealthy/needy relationships. Much, if not all, of what you believe about yourself and loving is the result of an unhealthy lack of nurturing that occurred in your childhood or adulthood. One of your most difficult tasks will be to FORGIVE THE PAST and unlearn what you currently believe about relationships, love, and growth. The apparent high degree of unhealthy family behavior which you experienced has left you the legacy of never truly feeling loved.

76 to 100 _____ A score of this magnitude clearly indicates very unhealthy relationship behavior, a high degree of codependency, and other debilitating compulsions. You may be sexually addicted as well, which you should look closer at. Your answers show a background of acute family dysfunction where one or both parents were either extremely compulsive or addicted. In other words, you GREW UP ADDICTED/AFFLICTED without a balance or healthy role model to demonstrate clear sexual identity and positive nurturing. You also appear to operate from a shame-based, Victimized Personality mode, believing that you’re without value and choosing relationships which will validate this conclusion.

You have difficulty trusting others and tend to blame them for your unhappiness, while assuming an unrealistic amount of guilt. Since your self-esteem is critically low, you believe that your inadequacies contribute to everyone else’s unhappiness. You vacillate between the roles of victim, persecutor, and at times, martyr. Aware of your unfulfilled yearning for love, you’re both unable to recognize a truly loving partnership and are confused about how to handle one if you do. Much of how you relate to others is based on loneliness and a desperate need to control present situations so you can conquer the past. You’re familiar with chaos in your interpersonal relationships, no matter how UNCOMFORTABLE this may feel. Conversely, you have an out-dated idea of ROMANTIC LOVE, which can create the very behavior that’s addicting. What was once embraced as the characteristic of true love (SHOWER each other with love, give more gifts, criticize only in private, be generous with your body, apologize, apologize, apologize, SPEAK the love words) is actually, at its core, possessive, obsessive, and addictive.

You haven’t yet learned that LOVE IS POSSIBLE ONLY WHEN WE REACH OUT TO ANOTHER PERSON FROM OUR STRENGTHS, RATHER THAN OUR WEAKNESSES. Focusing your attention on being loved is not the best way to attain it. If you’re willing to change and take responsibility for your life and happiness, your path to recovery can hold untold blessings and peace of mind which you had not thought possible. When you learn the difference between love and addiction, you’ll realize that you don’t NEED another human being to serve as the object of your security. When you practice the tools of recovery, you’ll find healthier ways to replace the desperate and frightening void which you’ve previously filled with unhealthy, abusive relationships and compulsive behavior. Then you’ll know the serenity and forgiveness which comes from nurturing your spirit, forgiving your past, and becoming capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

If your total score and analysis surprised you, don’t be discouraged. You’re not alone.  In reality, your sum is probably more common than unique. After facing this emotional self-analysis, you may have swallowed some hard truths about why your dates and relationships have been so unsuccessful. Remember that it takes two to form a relationship. So, not only is it probable that your picker is broken, you’ve been attracted to others whose pickers aren’t working well either. Misery loves company. When individuals with broken pickers meet, the attraction can be so strong that it overrides logical thinking and common sense. You’ve been there before, yet you can’t stop yourself from making another unhealthy decision. Having done this exercise, you’ve acquired more knowledge regarding the characteristics, which contribute to your revolving-door relationships. Treat this awareness as your ally. It can help you catch yourself before repeating unhealthy behavior.

The more you live in the solution, which is the opposite of your old behavior, the more likely you’ll be practicing healthy behavior to attain and maintain healthy relationships. This includes being able to identify a broken picker when you see or experience it. Next week I will post the list of “50 Common Broken Pickers.”

Please come back each week as we will post the next piece of each chapter broken down into posts that you can comment on, ask questions or share your thoughts. We will eventually update and post the whole book Date Smart!

*Special thanks for co-writing this article goes to Dave Coleman AKA The Dating Doctor. Dave and I wrote Date Smart! back in Jan. 2000. The publication rights have now reverted over to us equally and, with Dave’s permission, I have edited the book and modernized some of the ideas we originally wrote. The book, Date Smart! is still available through some stores and you can contact Random House to request the book be reprinted. With enough demand they might just contact Dave and I to republish and possibly write another one. We are basically giving you the book to read in posts and encourage you to visit both Dave’s website www.datingdoctor.com and of course all parts of our website www.topicisland.com. Neither the posts nor the book are in any way to be republished or sold or used without our express specific written permission and all posts are copyrighted and protected (ISBN-10: 0761521739, ISBN-13: 978-0761521730). Dave and I have written a number of articles together as well and so this serves as the byline. A huge thank you to Dave for sharing both our efforts and time to write what we hope are insightful, intriguing and informative articles that we share the creative collaboration and credit for working on over a number of years.

 

You can contact Rick by posting or by emailing:

askrickhead [at] topicisland [dot] com or read posts at Ask Rickhead

You can write Dave at: http://www.datingdoctor.com/contact.html

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9 Responses to “The Relationship Readiness Questionnaire, Date Smart! Chapter 2.5”

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