The Things Children Make You Say as a Parent
Friday, July 31, 2009 12:00
Post written by Rick & Tanya Doyle
The Things Children Make You Say as a Parent
I wouldn’t trade being a husband and a parent for my single life for all the money in the world. However, as a parent and spouse I have found over the last 4 years that children make you say (funny) things that in hindsight you never in a million years thought you’d ever say. We have 4 year old boy girl twins that are precocious, to say the least. You hear things leave your mouth only to say to yourself, did I really just say out loud, “leave your brothers penis alone”? Our son is going through this charming phase right now where he’s obsessed with his penis (who am I kidding, right? This “phase” will never end). If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it 100 times, “Son, please stop playing with your penis”. I thought I would make a list of things my wife and I have said to our children that are funny, disgusting, shocking and just plain weird that have never entered my mind as something you would say to anyone let alone to your children. So here goes:
Don’t forget to wipe!
Don’t forget to flush!
Don’t forget to wipe and flush. In that order, please!
No, you do not play in the toilet!
No! You do not finger paint with your poop!
Why are you naked?
Where are your clothes?
What’s in your mouth? Whatever it is, spit it out now.
Get your finger out of your nose.
We don’t eat crayons.
We don’t eat Play Doh.
Don’t bang your head on your sister.
Don’t bite your brother/sister.
Don’t bite your mother/brother/sister/the dog.
Don’t take your brothers toys.
Give your sister back her G.I. Joe.
Do not stuff your mattress with your brother’s cars.
Do not put that in your bottom.
Don’t play with it at the table.
Don’t pee there; not in the pool either.
The potty training phase is finally over for us now, but trust me, it is gross and scary what you find yourself saying to your children. But anything is better than diaper duty!
Honey, those aren’t chocolate covered raisins, they’re deer poop so put them down.
Wash your hands. With soap and water, please.
Turn off the water.
Get out of the mud.
Get your hands out of your pants.
No, I absolutely DO NOT want to smell your finger!
Oh my God, please tell me that’s chocolate. I’m not gonna smell it; you smell it!
Where did you get that?!
Where did you hear that?!
Put your clothes back on! We’re going to school, not swimming.
And in the car it’s usually most of these, “C’mon, this way. Hurry up. Climb in your seat. Leave that alone. Turn around and sit down. Don’t touch the lock. Don’t touch the door handle. Leave the window button alone. No honey, we are not there yet. I don’t want to be tickled right now.” All this before we’ve even pulled out of the driveway.
I always swore that I would never do to my children one disgusting thing that my Mom did to me; lick my fingers to scrub a dirty face. However, the reality of parenthood sets in and I must admit that I have actually done this. I must also admit in a dire pinch that I have wiped a snotty nose with my hand and smeared it on my jeans. Seriously, how could I possibly take my child into school with snot running down his face because he decided to have a crying fit in the car?
Singing along with the Viagra commercial out of key, not good.
Our son is already obsessed with his penis so we don’t need another Exstenz commercial on the news during the dinner hour!
Look at your son
Look at your daughter
Which is daddy code for, “That is so gross only mom can clean it up, PLEASE!”
This list is very long and we didn’t provide pictures this time as those with a weak stomach we might lose as readers. However, we are learning that there are some funny stories and one liner’s that all parents say and catch themselves later saying, “I can’t believe I just said that”. We want to hear from you! Please share things with us some of the things that you can’t believe came out of your mouth in reference to your children as a parent. Please keep it as clean as possible but don’t spare the details, especially if it is something for us to be grateful for that it wasn’t us! We look forward to your funny stories and comments.
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